Oceans and churches

A Catholic abuse survivor told me that, when he’s driving out in the country and sees a small white steepled church, he’ll often stop and try the door. If it’s unlocked, he goes in and just sits for a while. It’s the only kind of church where he feels safe, and only if it’s empty.

I laughed because I do the same thing, except for me, it’s great cathedrals. I just go in and sit with the quiet stillness.

I can’t bear to go in Baptist churches. But great cathedrals are different enough from the church I was abused in that they don’t have the same effect. I can still breathe when I’m in them. They don’t trigger the fear, the pain, or the trauma. Surrounded by stained glass and ornate columns, my chest doesn’t tighten up. The adrenaline doesn’t kick in. I don’t feel the need to bolt.

Perhaps that sounds a bit crazy, but of course, it’s really pretty normal. It’s a form of post-traumatic stress disorder, and it’s very common among clergy abuse survivors. I just wish churches were the only trigger. But they aren’t.

I try to map my triggers, but sometimes my brain runs up on one anyway. They aren’t always predictable.

Imagine that someone is telling you about their trip to the “beach” and about how much they love the “ocean.” Since you know what those words mean, you can imagine what their trip was like.

But when you hear the word “ocean,” do you actually hear the crashing waves? Do your eyes sting from the salt spray? Do you feel the breeze in your hair and the sun on your skin? Do you waft the sea smell into your nostrils?

And when you hear the word “beach,” do your toes curl reflexively into the soft sand? Do you grind an errant grain in your teeth?

Probably not. If you’re like most people, you don’t experience the physical sensation of the “ocean” and “beach” just because you hear the words.

But for people with a post-traumatic disorder, that’s sort of what it’s like. We re-experience pieces of the trauma when we encounter a trigger. Of course, it’s nothing like a trip to the beach.

I smell his breath. I am suffocating. I am so afraid.